...

an introduction

salam. I don't like to call myself a writer, even if I do write. a friend called me a wordsmith once, so we'll go with that. but writing is what I'm here to do. this is an extension of the private online journal I've kept for years. when I got out of a years-long depressive episode in 2019, I spent a long time curling up into a shriveled ball about my memories, about how fickle they were in my mind. I couldn't remember my life after going back a certain number of years, and it was hard to come to grips with the fact that my depression was not (solely) the reason for that. I think when you're in post-recovery (the only term I can get a hold of for this, not a favorite) it can be upsetting to realize a lot of what you thought was symptoms was in fact just you, that you can go anywhere but you'll always be with yourself. but, that was still the first time in years I found myself truly fractured about my poor memory, so it was also the first time I strived to become a record-keeper. I've gotten neurotic about it, obsessive at times I'll admit, and maybe some people would tell me I'm better off leaving my past in the ether than trying to create material for a future biographer to study, but it's also one of the few constants. opening up my journal every day to write about the happenings, share what I've been into, and think about myself too much. so, this is a combination of that and a growing exhaustion with social media and the way it makes me feel poorly-slotted amongst my peers. I'm a child of the internet, but I was born just a little too late for the era of personal websites. still, I do a lot for just me, so I figured this could be another move in that vain. a little centralized place on the vast web where you'll always be able to find me, talking about something, and not being diary-level personal about it. very little of what I share here will materially differ from what I've already been writing privately for years, and I don't have any goals in mind, if I did I would be writing this on substack. but, I do think it can aid in my larger mark of stepping out of my own body more often, sharpening my pen for an audience, even if that audience is just me on the outside looking in.